If you`re worried about conflict during family gatherings during this holiday season, this article can give you some helpful tips: Every January, Relate receives a significant increase in calls as family tensions have peaked during the Christmas holidays, so remember that you`re not alone if you`re experiencing alienation or feeling challenged by a family relationship. The long answer is, depends on the family conflict. Sometimes you can draw a healthy line after understanding how you feel about something (like Aunt Marge constantly harassing you about your weight) and tell her firmly but gently that you want to change the subject. Holidays offer many wonderful ways to connect with family, but this time of year can also be a significant stress, especially when family conflicts arise. Some conflicts can arise because you have to decide which parents to see, if any. According to a survey conducted by Relate, 68% of us are expected to argue about the holiday season, with 39% citing Christmas Day as the most likely time for a major family bankruptcy. Some of your expectations are probably reasonable and others are probably not. For example, it`s reasonable for me to expect to have a deep and meaningful conversation with at least one family member at Christmas! But it`s not realistic for me to expect them all to suddenly become optimistic and bubbling with joy. Maybe you expect your family not to fight at Christmas.

and maybe every year they do. Maybe you expect politeness, not abuse. The expectations of a perfect family Christmas can make us all feel inadequate and disappointed on the big day. While family conflicts can be a source of entertainment in dramas like Succession, the real consequences are no joke. If you only experienced these events in isolation, you could see them quite differently. Your brother`s advice – in itself – may be a bit irritating, but you could see that it was well-intentioned. Maybe you think your sister`s tantrum is a one-time event and a sign of a bad day. However, with your family history, the slightest memory of a previous grudge can make you feel like you`re trapped in a relentless groundhog day where past crimes are repeated in an endless loop. Relate counselor Rachel Davies says there are two main reasons why Christmas can be a particularly difficult time for the family. If the inevitable friction offends him or the in-laws and your partner doesn`t take your side, it only adds to the pain.

It may be that after living in the family scenario for so long, your partner simply can`t see your point of view or doesn`t feel able to intervene because of the roles accepted within the family, but that doesn`t make them any easier to bear. You may feel completely abandoned in this unknown area. “Betrayal is often not too harsh a word in these circumstances,” apter says. It may take a miracle to resolve all your family tensions at Christmas, but Apter suggests a few steps to make relationships easier. In the end, there is no perfect family, and there will be no perfect Christmas – or Diwali, Hanukkah, Chinese New Year or any other festive gathering. But acknowledging our own mistakes and those of each other and the potential for discord can – ironically – help us all have a more relaxed celebration. If Yuletide makes you choose your siblings` chinstrap, or if you`re still struggling with your other half, you`re not alone. Thanks to forced family gatherings at your nanny`s house, the usually cold weather and a little too much alcohol, Christmas can be an emotional roller coaster and it`s perfectly normal not to feel like Santa`s little assistant at every moment of the holidays. Forget Norman Rockwell and Mayberry RFD. Every family has its problems. There`s a reason why you don`t all live in the same house! Expect no more from family gatherings than reality can provide. Do you have a parent who only calls when they need something – never just say hello? You are not alone.

Here`s a joyful and direct way to help: Ask your family members to make a “Christmas promise.” Each person names something they need .B help with, such as repair work, childcare, or oil changes. Then you draw names and set a timeline for the act of kindness. This shows how important it is to get involved – even if a family member needs to be pushed to do so. “A few weeks ago, I passed the house where I lived between 2 and 22 years old. Just driving around the neighborhood brought back memories of different times in my life,” he said. “I could either focus on my brother putting me in a bird cage when I was little, or on all the good memories I shared with the family. Often, in conflicts, we focus on past differences or injuries instead of remembering to feel gratitude for helping me coach my baseball and football teams in the big leagues. If we walk through the front door and think about the problems of the past, we are likely to contribute to conflicts. By thinking about the good times, we can create a self-fulfilling prophecy of happy memories and close bonds. “Discuss how you`re going to handle those few days with a trusted friend or family member,” Davies advises. “And even if they don`t share your concerns, they may be better than you at dealing with that person.” In my article How to Deal with Difficult Parents, many readers describe toxic parents who cause a lot of harm to themselves and their family members.

My readers keep asking the same question: “How can I stop my brother/parent/uncle/family member from doing it again?” “There`s an almost primitive feeling in families that my most important loyalties are being challenged – that my love is being challenged,” says Terri Apter, a UK-based psychologist and author of many books on strained family relationships, including Difficult Mothers and The Sister Knot. “There is always a risk of loss of status in the family and loss of connection.” If you need to talk to someone but are reluctant to confide in a family member, consider talk therapy. A therapist will not be able to judge you or take sides and help you find strategies to move forward. Alexandria Skinner is a mediator and attorney in Columbia, South Carolina. Her practice is limited to family mediation, collaborative divorce, elder rights and mediation. If seeing the family causes a lot of stress every year, it`s normal to say no sometimes. Just partying with your partner or kids can be a wonderful alternative to seeing people for whom you feel constantly stressed. For example, I want to have meaningful and real conversations with my family members about our lives, goals, dreams, and disappointments. I want to get to know them better, really connect with them (this rarely happens). And I want them to be less negative, more optimistic and more tolerant. To defuse family disputes at Christmas and cope with my own stress, I have to realize that my expectations prepare me for disappointment.

“Try to avoid heavy conversations if you can, or controversial topics about politics,” Davies says. “Unless your family really likes to debate!” While each relationship has the potential for tension, family conflicts often stem from conflicting interpretations of the past that even the slightest occasional comment can then highlight. And unlike friendships outside the clan, emotional engagement is extraordinarily high. Not all clashes lead to such deep divisions, but even mild family feuds can be very hurtful – and tend to have common causes. Ignoring family arguments at Christmas is not the most emotionally healthy way to deal with conflict, but since when is Christmas the best time to solve family problems? Take a break this year – watch the funny movies on Amazon! Every family is different, so think about the activities that might work in your situation. It can be board games, court cricket, or even a water battle, depending on who is nearby. “We can decide when we see the family or do it on our own terms only to suddenly feel there`s an obligation,” says Jayne Ferguson, consultant and senior clinician at Relationships Australia Victoria. If you`re afraid of spending Christmas with your extended family because you`re struggling every year, here are 7 ways to deal with family tears during the holiday season and see the New Year intact: Chris Logan, Senior Lecturer in Psychology at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, explains that if we and our family members, “Due to a lot of overlap in characteristics and a great desire for uniqueness, we will focus on the points that set us apart. Of course, when we all sit at the same table, eat the same food, celebrate the same event, wear the same terrible sweater, and try to justify our life choices to our parents, we can naturally focus our attention on the things that set us apart from others. “If you have a strained relationship with a family member, you might avoid it that day.